What the Dogs Have Taught Me: And Other Amazing Things I've Learned

What the Dogs Have Taught Me: And Other Amazing Things I've Learned

Award-winning comedy writer Merrill Markoe, the slightly warped mind behind Stupid Pet Tricks , is an old hand with dogs. She knows who’s boss (they are) and the myriad ways a loving pet can make you feel guilty twenty-four hours a day. This new edition of Merrill Markoe’s classic collection of humorous essays gives readers the choicest selections along with brand-new material. In these razor-sharp essays, Markoe recounts her dogs’ phone chats with animal communicators, her search for past lives, and her brief stint as a stun gun saleswoman. She describes the workshop that taught her how to launch an Internet porn business and another that gave proper instruction in the esoteric art of becoming a dominatrix. She shares insight into what it is like to structure your day using only dog rules, how to spot a really horrible restaurant, and what it’s like to have a romantic dinner with Fabio. There’s even a bright side to preparing for the apocalypse: “At last, it is time to forget about fat grams and low cholesterol.” This enchantingly rambunctious and boundlessly enjoyable book gives you Merrill Markoe at her best. You’ll devour it in one sitting (and so may your pet). Award-winning comedy writer Merrill Markoe, the slightly warped mind behind Stupid Pet Tricks, is an old hand with dogs. She knows who's boss (they are) and the myriad ways a loving pet can make you feel guilty twenty-four hours a day. This new edition of Merrill Markoe's classic collection of humorous essays gives readers the choicest selections along with brand-new material. In these razor-sharp essays, Markoe recounts her dogs' phone chats with animal communicators, her search for past lives, and her brief stint as a stun gun saleswoman. She describes the workshop that taught her how to launch an Internet porn business and another that gave proper instruction in the esoteric art of becoming a dominatrix. She shares insight into what it is like to structure your day using only dog rules, how to spot a really horrible restaurant, and what it's like to have a romantic dinner with Fabio. There's even a bright side to preparing for the apocalypse: "At last, it is time to forget about fat grams and low cholesterol." This enchantingly rambunctious and boundlessly enjoyable book gives you Merrill Markoe at her best. You'll devour it in one sitting (and so may your pet). Emmy Award-winning writer MERRILL MARKOE has authored three books of humorous essays and the novel It’s My F---ing Birthday , as well as co-authoring with Andy Prieboy the novel T he Psycho Ex Game . She has worked as a radio host and a TV correspondent, and has written for television movies and numerous publications. She lives in Los Angeles. Chapter One A Conversation with My Dogs It is late afternoon. Seated at my desk, I call for my dogs to join me in my office. They do. Me: The reason I’ve summoned you here today is I really think we should talk about something. Bob: What’s that? Me: Well, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I get the feeling you guys think you have to follow me everywhere and I just want you both to know that you don’t. Stan: Where would you get a feeling like that? Me: I get it from the fact that the both of you follow me everywhere all day long. Like for instance, this morning. We were all together in the bedroom? Why do you both look blank? Doesn’t this ring a bell at all? I was on the bed reading the paper . . . Bob: Where was I? Me: On the floor sleeping. Bob: On the floor sleepi . . . ? Oh, yes. Right. I remember that. Go on. Me: So, there came a point where I had to get up and go into the next room to get a Kleenex. And you both woke up out of a deep sleep to go with me. Stan: Yes. So? What’s the problem? Bob: We like to watch you get Kleenex. We happen to think it’s something you do very well. Me: The point I’m trying to make is why do you both have to get up out of a deep sleep to go with me. You sit there staring at me, all excited, like you think something really good is going to happen. I feel a lot of pressure to be more entertaining. Bob: Would it help if we stood? Stan: I think what the lady is saying is that where Kleenex retrieval is concerned, she’d just as soon we not make the trip. Bob: Is that true? Me: Yes. It is. Bob (deeply hurt): Oh, man. Stan: Don’t let her get to you, buddy. Bob: I know I shouldn’t. But it all comes as such a shock. Me: I think you may be taking this wrong. It’s not that I don’t like your company. It’s just that I see no reason for you both to follow me every time I get up. Bob: What if just one of us goes? Stan: And I don’t suppose that “one of us” would be you? Me: Neither of you needs to go. Bob: Okay. Fine. No problem. Get your damn Kleenex alone from now on. Me: Good. Bob: I’m just curious. What’s your position on pens? Me: Pens? Bob: Yes. How many of us can wake up out of a deep sleep to watch you look for a pen? Me: Why would either of you want to wake up out of a deep